This opinion piece was commissioned by the Guardian newspaper and published 23 August 2025. It is reproduced here for wider enjoyment…
This weekend you’ll see them on the streets and in the news.
I’m a recent ex-cop with plenty of mates in the job to keep me apprised. Usually in a sort of bizarre role reversal, where I play the part of the crisis negotiator and they’re weeping down the phone over the latest senior management policy. Here’s a taste of the current inside gossip:
Dance like no one is watching – and that’s an order!
The spectacle of colour and splendour that is the Notting Hill Carnival is almost upon us. But what about ‘Mr Little Bit Too Serious’ Met Police Commissioner Sir Mark Rowley (boo!) telling his troops they must not join in – that rhythm’s not a dancer on his watch? (Hiss!)
Let me declare that I’ve never been to the Carnival. The closest we get ‘oop north’ is the Barnsley Clog Dancing Festival, where the winner gets a cone of chips with extra graaavy. But I do love Community Policing. Love it, love it, LOVE IT!
As a former Neighbourhood sergeant, I strongly believe that community engagement is the heart and soul of policing. But the CDS (Counter Dance Squad) at Scotland Yard fears that cops may be distracted. “Less able to respond and intervene swiftly when required”. What a load of Bolshoi!
Come on Sir Mark, be honest. What you really fear is a clip of some pirouetting PC being picked up by the Daily Mail. Causing old Arthur in the Dog and Duck to slam down his pint and scream at the gen Z bartender, that he used t’get a clip around the ear’ole from PC Dixon – and if he went home and told his father…
What do cops think about the dance ban? The answer is – total indifference! Most just resent having their weekend cancelled to swelter in heavy boots and cheap lycra tops.
Meanwhile old Arthur’s now grinding his teeth, screwing up his flat cap and screaming: “Why aren’t they out there catching the real criminals?!” One answer is because they’re at the Notting Hill Carnival, community policing, but also seeking out the-knife-and-gun-toting thieves, robbers, rapists and murderers who exploit the event. Of the 349 arrests in 2024, 72 were for carrying knives or offensive weapons.
A recent Police Federation survey revealed that an astounding 89% of cops at last year’s event reported feeling unsafe. I’m not surprised. For all the jollity, I think this carnival is potentially the most dangerous public event a police officer will ever face. And that’s coming from a copper who survived policing the Scunthorpe Utd v Grimsby Town, Football League Trophy match of 2017. Grimsby lost. Those Codheads can be sore losers!
Money, money, money
But think of all the overtime, right? Wrong! The biggest gripe from my serving police chums is remuneration! The ‘national living wage’ is now £12.21 per hour. A police officer’s starting salary is £29,907. Whichever way you look at it, it’s an uplift of little more than a couple of quid for enduring a dire shift pattern, constant abuse and daily risk to life and limb.
The Police Federation says that since 2010, police pay has fallen by 21% in real terms. I see that Baroness Theresa May is now the Chair of the Global Commission on Modern Slavery. Skills no doubt honed from reforming UK Police pay and conditions.
Out with the old, out with the new
Recently, Chiefs were given powers to quickly sack those who fail vetting checks. Speedy departure of bad cops is a positive. However, hanging on to the good cops is proving challenging: 8,795 officers left in the last year, 53% being voluntary resignations.
That’s a bit awkward for Government’s neighbourhood policing pledge, to deploy additional personnel to dedicated neighbourhood roles, when there are 1,303 fewer coppers than last year. A puzzle solved by a serving Neighbourhood Inspector who told me: “we’re bolstering neighbourhood numbers by using cops from crime investigation teams.” Perhaps they could employ the concept of quantum superposition in a Schrödinger’s Cop manoeuvre…
To the Home Office boffins are currently trying to solve the mystery of the police’s dire recruitment and retention problems, here’s a random idea – pay them properly! In the last 5 years the number of police officers with second jobs has doubled. No wonder Carnival cops have been throwing some shapes – they’re practicing for their second jobs as exotic dancers. At the least the lycra comes in handy.
Are we human, or are we dancer?
Here’s another secret I can reveal: police officers are almost human! (not the traffic cops obviously). Did you see the viral clip of a cop getting a camera phone shoved in his face at a recent protest? In a sort of reverse “no comment” interview, he remained silent, as the interviewer repeatedly asked for his views on the protest, inferred that his children would look back and judge him and suggested he should quit the police. Perhaps they a scenario in which every cop resigning would result in a spontaneous VE Day vibe and a universal outbreak of peace and goodwill? There’d be an outbreak alright – total chaos!
No one craves depoliticisation more than a frontline cop. Please try not to blame them for complying with and enforcing the law. The laws brought in by Parliament, made up of people that you elected to represent you.
If you see a copper this weekend spread the love, be friendly, give them a smile. But don’t ask them to dance!
That’s all, I’m off for a pint with Arthur to talk about how it used to be in the good old days…