Corona Lockdown Diary – Week 3

Sunday March 29th

I’m pleased to report that my wife’s ‘fear of running out of bread’ phobia has now been replaced with ‘fear of missing Tipping Point’

‘What time is Tipping Point on?’

‘The usual time’

‘Have you recorded Tipping Point?’

‘Yes’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes’

In less pressing news the police, so far, have been very tolerant of those failing to social distance. The official Coronavirus policing policy defined by the ‘Four E’s’:

  • Engage
  • Explain
  • Encourage
  • Enforce

Personally I think that it’s gone on long enough and if I stopped a driver who said: ‘I’m absolutely fine to travel 50 miles for a daily seaside walk because I’m not showing any symptoms.’ I’d be tempted to give them a three second blast of pepper spray and enquire: ‘What about now?’

I mean it must be annoying for the thin blue line when people are jamming their phone lines with sensible questions like: ‘Can I go out for a second walk if I’m dressed as a dog?’

I tuned in to the daily Coronavirus briefing to see that they’d wheeled out the Housing Secretary, Robert Jenrick. As usual, salivating number-hunting journos kept repeatedly asking: ‘how long will the lockdown last?’ His co-host Dr Jenny Harris momentarily let her guard slip and actually answered!

‘It might be 3 to 6 months’.…The journalists all responded with frenzied scribbling and you could see in her eyes the dawning realisation that she’d walked into the trap, especially as Jenrick could be seen in the background palm-slapping his own forehead!

Sure enough the very next day….

Monday March 30th

‘6 MONTHS OF LOCKDOWN!’ is the headline news. When did journalists decide their job was to ‘create the news’ rather than report the news?

And it was also time for the mainstream media to stick the boot into the police. It’s really not been too difficult to predict the news cycle:

  • Week 1: Print news about ‘idiots’ breaching social distancing rules
  • Week 2: Demand that the police take positive action
  • Week 3: Print stories about ‘draconian policing’ and/or ‘bungling cops’ (rinse and repeat)

The papers were full of stories of police drones pestering dog walkers and police searching people’s shopping bags for Easter Eggs. You should not be going out for Easter eggs as they are non-essential items.

Should you choose to defy these instructions can you pick me up one of those Cadbury Twirl ones?

Now I’m sure some of this stuff is fake news – although let me tell you that there are a sprinkling of ‘no common sense’ cops out there. Not so much on the streets, to be fair, because the really stupid ones tend to get promoted to senior management and put in offices with their name on the door.

Here’s the thing – coppers don’t want to be the shop police. They’re policing robustly because that’s the order from the Home Office. Instead of hanging our police out to dry let’s have the Home Secretary do today’s Corona briefing to give clarity to public and police. Not wishy washy terminology but clear instruction…

I switched on the Coronavirus briefing in eager anticipation but no Priti Patel, instead Dominic Raab. The most interesting thing was the sudden very abrupt end – he didn’t so much wrap it up seamlessly as suddenly swivel around on the spot and walk away…”hello, hello… Dominic… Dominic…where’s Dominic gone?”

How bizarre!

Tuesday March 31st

Had a nice early walk and returned to find the press still plod bashing for policing social distancing robustly. It seems the UK boys and girls in blue can’t win and they’ll be criticised either way, whilst in contrast social media is full of clips of Italian police singing merrily in the street.

I think that ‘Policing Coronavirus’ would make a great ‘It’s A Fair Cop’ show. It’s got all the required ingredients – everyone’s got a view, there are consequences for every decision and there’s no right answer!

The phone rang and it was the Home Secretary Priti Patel. She’d been made aware of my tweets challenging her to take some responsibility and ordered me to come and see her directly for a bollocking. Fortunately I’ve already had my daily walk and that would not be considered essential travel.

Time for the tea-time Coronavirus briefing and it’s okay – everyone can relax Michael Gove is back! And at this point can I say well done to Robert Peston for the longest question asked in the history of television broadcasts? I’ve had full tour shows that were shorter!

Tonight’s journos were interested in testing or rather lack of and the response was Gove using the term ‘ramping up’ like the needle was stuck.

I’d never heard the term ‘ramping up’ a fortnight ago. I’ve ‘stepped up’, ‘damped down’ and ‘rolled out’ before but I’ve never ‘ramped up’! But all of a sudden everybody seems to be ramping up all day every day!

It seems to be that if you’ve promised to deliver but you’re woefully short of where you need to be and the media are attacking you then you can just hide under the term ‘ramping up’ like it’s a Klingon cloaking shield.

The good news is that today’s Tipping Point was very exciting and a lady won the £10,000 jackpot on the very last counter.

Wednesday April 1st

An email lands from Scotland informing that the iconic Edinburgh Fringe Festival will not be going ahead this year. Great shame, including for me as I was booked to go up this year, but very sensible. Many comedians have been unexpectedly thrown into financial hardship recently and well done to the Fringe for refunding their application fees.

My income comes from tour shows and corporate work all of which has been postponed for the foreseeable future. Thank heavens that I kept my old police badge so I’ve been able to dish out on-the-spot social distancing fines. And for those of you worrying that I’ll be breaching any rules – it’s OK I’m using one of these to collect the cash.

The Coronavirus briefing was a bit of a damp squib with Alok Sharma unashamedly batting most of the questions off to Dr Yvonne Doyle and more of the same wishy washy waffle.

Conversely President Rodrigo Duterte of the Philippines was much more direct with his ‘ramping up’ policy – anyone in the Philippines that ignores social distancing rules will be shot dead in the street! Don’t panic though, the Philippines are a week ahead of us with the virus – rest assured this tactic will not be rolled-out in the UK for the next 7 days. I suppose we could tag that on as the fifth ‘E’?   

Engage, Explain, Encourage, Enforce … Execute.

Thursday April 2nd

I realise that it’s wrong for me to dish out unofficial on-the-spot social distancing fines to subsidise my income and so instead today I managed to find my old police jacket and decide to seize Easter eggs from anyone that looks a bit dodgy. (The uniform still just about fits but probably won’t do by the end of the day..)

The first grab went okay – once I’d explained the importance of ‘essential shopping only’ the 9-yr-old handed over his Smarties Egg – although his younger sister but up a bit of a fight…

Friday April 3rd 

Episode 2 of my BBC Radio 4 show, about privacy, aired. I can’t help but listen with a critical ear but I was pleased with it.

On television every man and his dog seem to be doing their own presenting from home. Although I’m tempted to start my own home online broadcast I can’t because I don’t have a bookcase to sit in front of…

In the interests of balance – given that I’ve been critical of some of the waffly rambling bollocks at UK Daily Coronavirus briefings, credit where it’s due, I thought Professor Jonathan Van Tam was superb tonight. Just tells it like it is. More of this please

Saturday March 4th

Today’s news theme is ‘face masks’. Should we? Shouldn’t we? I get the reluctance around advising people to wear them. You know what some folk are like – the sun will come out this weekend, they’ll grab a face-mask, head for the seaside and forget social distancing.

Donald Trump has said that he will not be following US medical advice to wear a face-mask as he thinks the tan lines would look ridiculous.

 

Congratulations to the new Labour Party leader. If the name Keir Starmer sounds familiar to you it’s because he was Luke Skywalker’s uncle in Star Wars.

 

One of the Coronavirus conspiracy theories is that 5G radio signals are spreading COVID-19 and consequently news breaks that 5G masks have been torched in Birmingham and Liverpool.

Can I ask for anyone who believes that 5G spreads Coronavirus to help social distancing measures by wearing this official believer ‘T-shirt’..

 

I switch on the daily briefing but just switched it off again – life’s too short for Michael Gove twice in one week.

And while we’re talking about dafties I think I’ve found someone dafter than Trump: The Belarusian football league has kicked off with more than 3,000 spectators. President Alexander Lukashenko labelled coronavirus ‘a psychosis that can be fought with vodka, saunas and driving tractors’.

Ridiculous! Everyone knows it’s vodka, saunas and Tipping Point!

Until next time… stay safe out there.

Alfie x

Alfie’s Corona Lockdown Diary – Week 2

Sunday 22nd March

My latest BBC Radio 4 series IT’S A FAIR COP re-starts later this week. Hard to believe that this is ‘Series 5’, although I might go all Americano and start saying ‘Season 5’ as that sounds really cool.

I discover that the show is Pick of the Week in the Mail on Sunday and the Times – these posh folk love a bit of rough don’t they? I have to admit in all those years rolling about the pavement with aggressive drunken types outside Club 2000 in Scunthorpe I occasionally doubted that one day I’d be the radio programme of choice in the Sunday Times Culture magazine.

In other news the Prime Minister tells me that I can only have one walk (or other outdoor exercise) a day.

Monday 23rd March

My wife and I start the day with a nice walk. By the afternoon I begin to think I may have a problem with authority as I never have more than one walk a day, but on the very first day the Prime Minister tells me that I can only have one walk a day I now want a second walk more than anything I’ve EVER wanted in my life!

My wife (who also has a problem with authority) and I discuss the pros and cons of flouting the law and going out in disguise for a second walk… (the rest of this paragraph has been shortened in order to avoid incriminating myself)

The PM has taken on board the fact that the daily Coronavirus briefings are getting a bit repetitive and so the rumour is that tonight Theresa May and Michael Gove will be paying tribute to the passing of Kenny Rogers by singing a duet of Islands in the Stream accompanied by Boris on spoons.

Sadly, these were just rumours as there was no singing, no spoons and no Boris…

Tuesday 24th March

People are handling social isolation in different ways and I’ve no idea what the specific phobia: ‘fear of running out of bread’ is called but my wife seems to have it pretty bad.

Consequently I find myself cutting large amounts of mould off the Paul Hollywood part-bake rolls (that I found on top of the kitchen cupboard) before slipping them in the oven – my standards may be deteriorating quicker than I’d anticipated…

I’m bored and so I put the following opinion poll out on Twitter:

‘I have a very energetic dog that insists on going for a walk twice a day – what should I do?’

1: Ignore Govt guidelines?

2: Take a longer daily walk?

3: Eat the dog?

I’m only joking (I think) but I’m contacted by a concerned lady who implores me not to eat the dog but instead suggests that my wife and I alternate doggy walks. I tell her ‘It’s okay, I don’t have a dog………… anymore’. (Let me say at this point that I really don’t have a dog nor have I eaten one lately!)

Wednesday 25th March

Lots of debate in the media about when a ‘cure’ will be discovered and if a cocktail of other anti-viral drugs already available may help. I know that scientists all over the world are working hard for a ‘cure’ and I of course realise I’m no expert – however has anybody considered that green Swarfega your dad used to have in the shed? I think that stuff will kill anything.

Even if it’s not guaranteed to stop infection, if you strip naked and give yourself a liberal coating then if you do get stopped by the cops on your second walk they’ll never be able to grip you!

More stories in the press about people ignoring social distancing rules, including West Midlands Police breaking up more than 20 people at a public BBQ. Is anyone else really surprised that the human race has managed to, so far, avoid becoming extinct?

News breaks that Prince Charles has tested positive for Covid-19. Lots of social media outrage because he’s managed to actually get a test. I wonder if it’s anything to do with him being the 71 year old heir to the British throne?!

Boris gives the tea-time brief but he looks a bit ropey and I start some Chinese whispers that he may have got the Corona lurgy. I discover that Chinese whisper games are less fun when there’s just you and your wife in self-isolation. 

Thursday 26th March

I wouldn’t say that I’m starting to get institutionalised but I’m considering asking my wife to give me a facial teardrop tattoo using biro ink and a paperclip.

The results are in for my ‘should I eat my dog? poll’. I’m pleased to say that a mere 40% of the public wanted me to take that extreme course of action, whereas 50.4% of participants suggested ‘a longer daily walk’.

On the one hand it’s reassuring to know that most respondents are sensible but it has scuppered my planned next poll question: ‘Curry or stew?’  

News breaks that Boris has tested positive for Covid-19. I look to my wife for some crumbs of credit for my impeccable observation skills but instead I just get a tut and am asked ‘how many slices of bread have you had today?’ I’ve had some quiet gigs in my time but this is a really tough crowd!

Rishi Sunak delivers the daily Coronavirus briefing and this time opens his bag of money for the self-employed. They can have 80% to encourage them to stop at home – but can go out and get another job if they like! Might be me but I don’t get that at all…

At 8pm we go outside and clap to say thank you to the NHS workers. Lots of clapping all around us – feels nice.

Fri 27th Mar

I’m up early excited that my new Fair Cop series goes out at 11.30am. I attempt to draw attention to it by childishly scribing on pictures of important people!

The show is well received and people say nice things which makes me very happy.

That afternoon I watch a TV interview where Tony Blair tells the Government exactly what they should be doing to deal with this pandemic. Whenever there’s a crisis these former Prime Ministers become expert advisers – just a shame they didn’t peak a bit earlier really.

Speaking of the politically astute I tune in to the Coronavirus briefing. It’s not very often you’ll hear me say that I’m missing Boris Johnson but having listened to Michael Gove for half an hour…

At 8pm I was outside clapping for 5 minutes entirely on my own – thanks for leaving me hanging ya bastards!

Sat 28th Mar

It’s the weekend but you can’t really tell…

Alok Sharma, the Secretary of State for Business, did the teatime briefing. He’s a little bit Westworld and to be honest I’m missing the Boris briefings, simply because I’m a big fan of random unpredictability – you never know when he’s just going to stop mid-sentence and just blow a raspberry.

At last some good news as the Government announce a special concession that we can all spend an hour less in lockdown – by that I mean the clocks will all go forward an hour.

The next IT’S A FAIR COP episode, 11.30 am on Friday 3rd April, is all about privacy laws – which given the current times and the fact that the NHS is developing a Covid-19 Tracking App, it’s probably a discussion we need to be having.

Anyway that’s all for now, I need to nip out for a loaf…

 

 

 

Brexit – Whose Fault is it Anyway?

Alfie Moore applies his investigative skills to find the person or person’s responsible for the current political farce.  It’s definitely a crime but who dun it?!

Brexit – I’ll tell you who’s to blame….

The country may be catastrophically divided but we can unquestionably agree on one thing ‘Brexit is a shambles’.

Our great nation is in pain and I propose we start the healing process by doing what we always do best: ‘find someone to blame’. Where shall we start?

Johnny Foreigners: They came over here from their war-torn countries, applying themselves, working hard and becoming more successful than the lazy local indigenous types. Some people didn’t like that which created the perfect opening for this man…

Nigel Farage: A true man of the people. Providing that your ‘people’ are a pub full of angry EDL supporters serving out their football banning orders. Say what you like about Nige he could talk, and people hurting from recession then austerity, began to listen. That started to pile the pressure on this man…

David Cameron: ‘Call me Dave’ craved love and of course power. Yes, he was PM but when he saw that Farage was building an audience, he devised a cunning plan to quell the threat in one foul swoop – an EU Referendum! Hooraaaahh!

So, it’s all Dave’s fault then? Well, maybe and then again maybe not, as although Dave was a bit smarmy and over-confident in his remain campaign he should’ve been entitled to expect a bit of back-up from other political leaders, for example…..

Jeremy Corbyn: ‘Jeremy, JERRRRREMMMMYYY! Has anybody seen JEREMY!? Where the hell was Jeremy’s Remain Campaign!? There didn’t seem to be one. There was a rumour that he was a closet Brexiteer – either that or he had a really sore throat for 9 weeks. Shall we blame Jezza (aka Whispering Sid) then? Perhaps, but what about the…

Leave Campaign: Aka ‘Fibs on a Bus’ team. Led by Michael Gove and Boris Johnson. Interesting pairing these lads. They possessed the sum total of two charismatic politicians, although Gove had none! Which meant Boris was very entertaining and more importantly, believable…and some of us did believe, or to be more precise…

17,410,742 Leave Voters: That’s a big number but blaming those dozy dafties may not be conducive to national healing.

No sooner was the last vote counted than Dave announced: ‘Bugger this for a game of soldiers I’m off….ta-ra’. It was always going to get very very messy at this point. Surely no one was daft enough to take the job and press their own political self-destruct button? But wait….what’s that running through the corn fields eager to grab the poison chalice with both hands?

Theresa May: Article 50 (soon to be renamed ‘Article Shifty’) was invoked. Now in fairness to Theresa May, and as much as I hate being fair to Theresa May, by now we’d lost the remain battle, but we still had the opportunity to cut some sort of semi-amicable deal with our EU comrades. And so, with all the charm and interpersonal skills of an angry rattle snake with toothache, Theresa skipped off to Strasbourg to make a deal. It was proving very challenging but it takes two to tango and so should we put some blame on this man….

Michel Barnier: Still angry at being given a girl’s name, Michel wasn’t playing ball and his vague responses were like listening to fellow iconic Frenchman Eric Cantona at a post-match press conference.

May repeatedly asking: ‘What’s your best deal please?’ And Barnier just coming out with abstract seagull bollocks.

Although Barnier fell short of delivering a two-footed kung-fu kick he continued the football theme: ‘If you choose to leave the club then go on a free transfer’.

Can we blame Barnier and the EU then? Maybe not. Their club, their rules.

Theresa put her best compromise, the withdrawal agreement, to the House of Commons, three times. And three times John Smircow and the House laughed in her face. So, shall we blame…

MP’s: For not bending? Either way, Theresa was a broken woman and the Tory faithful voted in the only chance to save the day…..Boris! Boris! Boris! Boris!

Boris Johnson: ‘What’s your plan Boris?’ ‘We’re leaving on 31st October 2019’ ‘But what’s your plan Boris?’ ‘We’re leaving on 31st October 2019’ ‘Yes, but what’s your plan Boris?’ ‘We’re leaving on 31st October 2019’

As I write this Boris is in Luxembourg banging the table and telling Barnier and Juncker ‘how it’s going to be’. With all the street cred of a PM who has suffered more first week Commons vote defeats than any other in history. Parliament might be prorogued but that guy could fill the commons benches with inflatable MPs and still get voted down.

The nightmare continues and I’m still not yet sure who to blame…

 

 

Derby date for GETTING AWAY WITH MURDER – venue issues!

We learned yesterday that sadly Derby Guildhall Theatre has had to close until the autumn amid concerns for the safety of the roof. Essential building work is being carried to repair the roof of the mid-19th century Grade II-listed building and unfortunately a number of shows are having to be cancelled or postponed. 

On learning the news Alfie said: “Apologies to those with tickets to my show at Derby Guildhall in April.  We are working with Derby Live to source an alternative venue.  I’m sorry for any inconvenience and thank you for your support”.

Derby Live have committed to contact all customers to make them aware of the situation and their options for refunds or potential new dates/venues.  If you haven’t heard anything from them or have any questions you can get in touch with the sales and information team at 01332 255800, boxoffice@derby.gov.uk or in person at the Assembly Rooms, Market Place, Derby.

IT’S A FAIR COP shortlisted for Best Radio Entertainment Show

We are delighted to say that today it has been announced that Alfie Moore’s IT’S A FAIR COP has been shortlisted to the final 6 nominees in the Best Radio Entertainment Show.

The Comedy.co.uk Awards 2018 have now reached the final voting round – with the Best Radio Entertainment Show having already having been whittled down from over 100 shows to  the final six. Voting closes on Sunday 3rd February 2019 with the winners being announced on Monday 4th.

If you’ve enjoyed IT’S A FAIR COP and would like to see it win Best Radio Entertainment Show category, and even Comedy of the Year if you’re a HUGE fan, then please vote, vote, VOTE! (You can only vote once for each category by the way so don’t get carried away!).

If you can’t wait for more Moore then you can catch him on tour – tickets on sale now….

In the police force, we can never say “no”. Can we?

Tuesday’s Guardian reported the emergency services watchdog’s findings that desperately overstretched police forces are having to “pick up the pieces of a broken mental health system” in addition to their own crime-fighting role.

This comes as no surprise to Alfie who highlighted this very situation in Pass the Person – of one of his recent It’s a Fair Cop episodes.

Read Alfie’s opinion piece on the article  in today’s Guardian.

 

Series 1-3 of IT’S A FAIR COP available to buy!

As the new series of IT’S A FAIR COP gets back on it’s BBC Radio 4 beat fans of the show can now download to own the first 3 series which are available via iTunes, Google Audiobooks and Audible   (where the show has been rated 4.9 out of 5 stars – nobody’s perfect!!)

A number of listeners have requested that the shows be available on CD but unfortunately this isn’t possible at the moment.

Alfie says “Thanks very much for your interest and support and please enjoy the shows over and over and over again!”

Alfie enjoys a Guinness (World Record Attempt) over Easter Weekend!

Alfie Moore is delighted to be taking part in an attempt to break the official Guinness World Record for ‘Longest Running Comedy Show’ this Easter weekend.  The current record, set in America in 2015, stands at 80 hours. This audacious record-breaking attempt is planned to run for 96 hours straight – from 6pm on Thursday 29th March 2018 until 6pm on Monday 2nd April 2018.

Alfie will be one of a diverse range of performers, including ‘TV names’ and headlining comedians from the comedy circuit, contributing to the fabulous line up.  He says “I’m very excited to be involved in this world record attempt for such a great cause. I will be performing 3 completely different one hour shows in 25 hours so if you’ve enjoyed my BBC Radio 4 comedy series ‘IT’S A FAIR COP’ (or even if you haven’t heard of it YET!) then please come along and lend your support to this fantastic effort”.

Alfie’s shows will be at 2pm and 7pm on Friday 30th March 2018 and 2pm on Saturday 31st March.

Whether you want a £15 Weekend pass, a Day ticket for £5 or a Pay as You Go £3 ‘on the door’  just get your laughing gear on and help us make comedy history! Monies raised from the event will be donated to Katherine House Hospice.

For MORE INFORMATION AND TO BOOK TICKETS

 

NEW! Tour dates added for 2018

In response to demand to see “Fair Cop Alfie” live more tour dates have been added for Alfie Moore’s current stand-up tour show GETTING AWAY WITH MURDER. Tickets are hotter than a smoking gun so get yours whilst you can!

We have booked Leicester Square Theatre for Alfie’s only London tour date this year.  Be there or be……

In GETTING AWAY WITH MURDER former Detective Sergeant Alfie Moore, and star of BBC Radio 4 comedy ‘It’s A Fair Cop’, takes you on a thrilling and interactive journey through the art and science of murder investigation.

Enjoy Alfie’s trademark blend of humour, practical policing experience and detailed knowledge of the law as he answers the questions ‘What makes a murderer?’ and ‘Why do they caught….or not’? Experience first-hand how it feels to be part of planning ‘The Perfect Murder’. Everything you need to know from choosing a murder weapon to disposing of the body!

Book your tickets and see you there.

 

 

Funny Business – Standing up to Cancer in Sheffield.

Seven very brave Sheffield business people took on the challenge to raise money for Weston Park Hospital Cancer Charity by delivering their own 10 minutes of funny to a sold out audience at Sheffield Memorial Hall.  The ‘talent’, with no previous stand-up experience, were mentored for 5 weeks by Alfie Moore – himself a Sheffield lad and patron of the charity – before taking to the stage to perform at the Funny Business evening on 30th November.

Dr Kash Purohit, Consultant Clinical Oncologist in Sheffield – dubbed as Kash Milligan by Alfie for his truly ‘off the wall’ comedy style, was chosen as the winner but all the contestants put in superb performances and raised over £30,000 for the charity.

All monies will go to help improve the lives of people living with and beyond cancer. Funny Business has now raised over £160,000 to help people living with cancer in the Sheffield region. You can still donate by texting FUNI17 £5 to 70070.

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